5. For the brave women

Today, I got up very early. I went to work and spent half an hour venting to my colleague about how I couldn't stand Ivan’s deodorant - my husband. The overpowering odor makes me feel queasy the moment I step into the room, it clings to my nostrils and I carry it with me all day. Afterwards, I spent another half-hour complaining about how my work clothes seemed to be shrinking. During the break, I complained about not wanting to stop working once the baby was born and how I was grappling with mild anxiety because I had so many unfinished projects. Later in the day, I seized the opportunity to lament once again to my two dear colleagues who still have the patience to listen to me, about possibly freezing this winter because my belly would grow and I wouldn't be able to button up my jacket.

When my mother called, I complained about how I was getting tired more easily and couldn't manage to clean the whole apartment in one weekend as I once did. To Ivan, I complained about practically everything!

It seems like I'm in a continuous phase of complaining. It's as if nothing can please me, and I attribute it all to my pregnancy. I understand that this might be misunderstood. I absolutely LOVE this pregnancy and I WANT to give birth my child. Yet, there are times when I blame things on my pregnancy, and this truth is difficult to acknowledge.

And so, as I continued writing this entry in my pregnancy diary, it occurred to me after a day filled with endless complaints that I might just be an ordinary, ungrateful, and exceptionally self-absorbed individual. Yes, this is a difficult truth to admit, believe me. Why did this thought cross my mind? Because after fifteen hours of complaining I thought of all those girls and women who are trying to conceive, those who have been staring at negative pregnancy tests for years and have not lost hope, those who once heard a heartbeat but then it disappeared, and all those incredibly courageous, exceptional, resilient, and extraordinarily strong women who eagerly yearn for the day their clothes don’t fit, who long to experience all of the various pregnancy symptoms, and who eagerly anticipate the moment their zippers give way due to their expanding bellies.

I thought of all of them and stopped complaining. All this is for one great purpose, and that is to hold my baby in my arms and experience the greatest happiness this world can offer.

Tonight, I am not focused on how I am doing. I will not think of myself tonight.

Tonight, my thoughts are with all those who are trying to become parents.

Tonight, my thoughts are with you, you who are trying to get pregnant, to keep your unborn child, carry it to term, and give birth.

Tonight, my thoughts are with you, and I'm asking how you are.

 Nina